I have been practicing divorce in addition to family law for over fifteen (15) years. I have been married for over seven (7) years. (Itchy? No.)
My last marital advice column was posted 7 years ago. At the time, I had just ran off to Vegas in addition to married my husband whom I have known for almost 2 months. I was somewhat idealistic in addition to mostly an idiot back then, in addition to you can quench your curiosity by clicking here.
2 kids in addition to almost 1 divorce later, I am definitely an expert, in addition to I will share with you the secrets of having an everlasting marriage.
Everything should be taken which has a grain of salt. (I’ve only been married 7 years – what do I know?)
1. After children, marriage metamorphosis must happen. Family first, marriage first.
Focus on family first, in addition to the marriage will follow. This kind of does not mean marriage can be second. They are both first, nevertheless BOTH of you must value family, in addition to having that will MUST be enough within the meantime to keep your marriage together.
So….since my last post, Scott in addition to I have had 2 kids (who are right now 6 in addition to 3). Man, have they changed us. I am not sure how to describe how exactly children improvements the marriage. You hear This kind of all the time (much like, “babies deprive you of sleep”), nevertheless This kind of can be definitely difficult to describe how a marriage improvements after kids unless you have been through This kind of. One light-bulb “Ding!” moment for me was when , during one major fight, where Scott tearfully announced,”I can do without the two of us. nevertheless This kind of’s the picture of the 4 of us that will I can’t do without!” This kind of was an earth-shattering epiphany, insulting in addition to denigrating to the marriage, yet at the same time, the utter breakthrough of marriage metamorphosis. We had become 4 through 2 – doubled in identity in addition to bonds. What could be more powerful to a relationship than family?
In order to have children be the rope, you both need to use rope made of electric barb wire, not hay. Don’t allow the children to BE the only reason you are staying together. According to a recent study done, 25% of married couples are staying together ONLY for the children. in addition to amongst those who divorced, 26.5% admitted they stayed within the marriage longer than they wanted to – because of the children. Where did they go wrong? Simple. One, or both of them, failed to put FAMILY first.
This kind of can be important that will your marriage undergoes This kind of transformation after children – that will both partners are on the same page about family. I admit that will after my first child, I completely lost focus on my family, in addition to the marriage. Between running a law firm in addition to breastfeeding, I just didn’t have enough room for Scott. What little time I have I focused only on the baby. THE BABY. NOT the family. I did things not bad for the baby – sang to her, rocked her, wore her around town (I am the Ergo baby cover girl), read to her, cooed at her, made her food – all my love was for the BABY. My family? Not so much. Sure, the baby can be a component of my family, nevertheless This kind of was just a little iota. For my family? Nah. I continued to do things on paper – I booked trips for us which included breastpumps, milk bags, burp clothes, in addition to Elmo. nevertheless nothing included Scott. Nothing except the plane ticket. I looked right through him – not at him. By the way, I wasn’t such a terrible vicious person. I just was clueless. I thought I was the best mom on the planet. Sometimes when you’re all wrapped up in something, you just don’t see what’s definitely happening – I was alienating my husband. This kind of took couples counseling in addition to a lot of fights with Scott (another child, in addition to 6 years), to finally get to This kind of point where I am focusing on my FAMILY, in addition to not just the kids.
This kind of can be true that will you need to focus on the marriage -don’t let too many sexless years drive you apart. nevertheless at the beginning of the race, can be the utter importance of family. You must allow in addition to enjoy the transformation through two to three or four first.
You may have heard through sources that will you need to focus on marriage first, then children. I think that will’s a bunch of bullcrap. Your 1 year old needs to be fed. Your 4 year old needs advice on how to make friends at school. These little children are always number one. You in addition to your spouse need to understand This kind of first in addition to be not bad parents first. I have handled a zillion divorces in addition to custody cases, in addition to i will tell you through experience – NEVER have I seen two people who care about their family split up. Sure, they may say they care about the family (everyone does), nevertheless within the end, This kind of’s the selfish one that will ruins This kind of. Not that will This kind of can be a blame game. nevertheless SOMEONE had to be at fault, right? Get on the same page, in addition to never let go.
2. Love your Routines!!!
If you don’t like routines, don’t get married, in addition to don’t have children. You will fail. Blame This kind of on the second law of Thermodynamics, Entropy, aka “Law of Disorder”. Basically, This kind of says This kind of: if you are left to your own devices, you will end up in disorder. that will’s why even though the maids came This kind of morning, my house will be a pigsty when I get home This kind of evening. in addition to why some of these sentences make no sense. in addition to why most marriages fail.
You MUST love them routines. Every morning, for as long as I remember, my morning-person husband brings me a fresh cup of coffee while I am still in bed with my babies. Every morning without fail. Even after the epic, “I can do without the 2 of us, nevertheless not without the 4 of us!” fight above, he still dutifully, begrudgingly-yes, lovingly-no threw boiling coffee at my face within the morning. Just kidding.
Every day, around noontime, we text each additional to “check-in” on the kids, the weather, what’s for dinner.
I used to say my last name was one letter through “change” because I couldn’t stand to be boring. nevertheless I also used to listen to brand new Kids on the Block.
Nowadays, I loved coming home to my family. I love the stability in addition to the unchanging DNA’s of our children. They will forever call me “mama”. Scott in addition to I will forever be the parents of these kids.
What do we do to spice This kind of up??? Lots of stuff! nevertheless I won’t use our life as fodder. Be creative. Be mature.
Children excel through routines. Right after school, there can be piano on Tuesdays, choir on Wednesdays, Art on Thursdays, in addition to homework every night. Mama fixes dinner every night. There can be bath after dinner every night. This kind of can be how they come to trust you.
If you don’t love your routines, your relationship WILL fall into the great unwashed “entropy” of life. This kind of isn’t just 1 of 2 marriages!!! This kind of’s like 75% of marriages fail. I know.
Continue to fight marriage entropy. LOVE your routines. This kind of’s very simple.
3. Cherish your status as “eternal lovers, more than friends”. I stole This kind of one through my first post. Ha! This kind of’s still true. I cannot count how many clients have uttered This kind of line to me, “We love each additional, nevertheless we are not in love.”
I used to empathize with This kind of statement, nevertheless right now I think This kind of stinks like shit. How friggin’ cliche can you be? If you are going to end your marriage, have This kind of go down in flames, not an uncreative oneliner.
Here can be news for you – you in addition to your spouse SHOULD BE the best of friends. that will’s expected. nevertheless, if you don’t cherish your status as always “more than just friends”, your marriage may be in trouble. There are many ways to remain as intimate as you were within the first two months of courtship, or even the first two years. Be affectionate towards each additional. For some, that will means taking out the garbage. For others, that will means buying jewelry. For my husband in addition to me, This kind of means hugging in addition to kissing every day. He likes to kiss me in addition to i like to hug him. in addition to we both love hugging our girls!!!!
Whatever This kind of can be, find This kind of. Don’t ever lose your status as “eternal lovers, more than friends”.
4. Don’t throw your spouse under the bus.
According to Wikipedia, “To throw (someone) under the bus can be an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to sacrifice a friend or ally for selfish reasons. This kind of can be typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal in addition to severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.“
People do This kind of ALL the time, in addition to I hate This kind of!!!! I absolutely hate This kind of when someone in my mom’s group tells me, “My husband can be a selfish asshole who I think can be having a affair.” Ok, you think? What about being a selfish asshole who talks about her husband behind his back?? These days, This kind of can be very common to bitch about your marriage. I know I have done This kind of. in addition to I feel like shit afterwards. This kind of tears me apart as a person, wife in addition to mom. You either stick with your family or you are against This kind of. If you are badmouthing your husband, you are committing the ultimate crime of defecating on your marriage (I was going to say desecrating, nevertheless definitely, This kind of’s more like shitting on This kind of than producing This kind of unholy).
in addition to if you are fighting a custody battle, This kind of can be case-suicide to badmouth your co-parent. Does Hitler marry Mother Theresa? NO!!!! Do NOT throw your spouse under the bus. There can be a correct way to handle This kind of, in addition to talking trash can be NOT This kind of. GO to couples counseling. Write in your journal. Go to Zumba. Do not talk trash.
5. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!
Fight for your marriage like gay people!!! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.