Follow these guidelines to make the transition of divorce along with the process of family restructuring along with rebuilding easier for you along with your children.
1. If you have not done so already, call a truce with your Ex. (Note: Your Ex does not have to take the same action.) Divorced parents can succeed at co-parenting. which success may not begin with harmony yet, at a minimum, a ceasefire can be necessary.
2. You are stuck with each various other forever. One day, you will be Grandma along with Grandpa to the same babies. along with when these babies are grown they will repeat the stories which they heard about Grandma along with Grandpa. This kind of will be your legacy. How do you want to be depicted?
3. Divorce creates a breakdown of trust along with communication. Accept This kind of along with work towards rebuilding trust along with communication with the various other parent, even if the item feels like you are doing all of the work. along with, be patient, emotional wounds need time to heal.
4. Establish a business relationship with your former spouse. The business can be the co-parenting of your children. Business relationships are based on mutual gain. Emotional attachments along with expectations do not work in business. Instead, in a successful business communication can be up-front along with direct, appointments are scheduled, meetings take place, agendas are provided, discussions focus on the business at hand, everyone can be polite, formal courtesies are observed, along with agreements are explicit, clear, along with written. You do not need to like the people you do business with yet you do need to put negative feelings side in order to conduct business. Relating in a business-like way with your former spouse may feel strange along with awkward at first so if you catch yourself behaving in an unbusiness-like way, end the conversation along with continue the discussion at another time.
5. There are at least two versions to every story. Your child may attempt to slant the facts in a way which gives you what she thinks you want to hear. So give the various other parent the benefit of the doubt when your child reports on extraordinary discipline along with / or rewards.
6. Do not suggest possible plans or make arrangements directly with pre-adolescent children. along with, always confirm any arrangements you have discussed with an older child with the various other parent ASAP.
7. The transition between Mom's house along with Dad's house can be often difficult. Be sure to have your children clean, fed, ready to go, along with in possession of all of their paraphernalia when its time to make the switch. Better yet, if possible avoid the dreaded switch by structuring your time sharing in order which weekends start Friday after school along with end with school drop-off on Monday morning.
8. Do not screen calls by the various other parent or limit telephone contact between your child along with the various other parent. Instead, ensure which your child can be available to speak to the various other parent when s / he can be on the telephone.
9. Do not discuss the divorce, finances, or various other adult subjects with your children. Likewise, avoid saying anything negative about various other parent along with his / her family along with friends to your children.
10. Children are always listening – especially when you think they're not. So, avoid discussions regarding the divorce, finances, the various other parent, along with various other adult subjects when your children are within earshot.
11. Avoid using body language, facial expressions or various other subtleties to express negative thoughts along with emotions about the various other parent. Your child can read you!
12. You can discuss your feelings with your children to the extent which they can understand them. yet, if you let your child know which you are terrified of the future, your child will be terrified too. Instead, keep a balanced emotional perspective which focuses on the difference between feelings along with facts.
13. Do not use your child as a courier for messages or money.
14. Support your child's right to visit their grandsparents along with extended family. Children benefit by knowing their roots along with heritage. along with, children love tradition. Extended family provides children using a sense of consistency, connection, along with identity – especially during divorce. Remember neither extended family can be better or worse – they are just different.
15. Avoid the urge to question your child or press him for information regarding the details of your co-parents personal or professional life.
16. Each parent must establish along with maintain his or her own relationship with the children. Neither of you should act as a mediator between the children along with the various other parent. along with, neither of you should act as the defense attorney, presenting a child's case to the various other parent.
17. Be on time for pick-ups along with drop-offs. Do not enter the various other parent's home unless you are invited in.
18. Your child's relationship with his parents will influence his relationships for the rest of his life. Never put your child in a position where he has to choose between his parents or decide where his familial allegiances lie. Instead, allow him to love both parents without fear of angering or hurting the various other.
19. Do not take the item personally if your teenager prefers to be with his / her friends. Do not push, yet remain available. If you feel rejected along with back-off, your teen may feel rejected in return.
20. Expect which your children may feel confused, guilty, sad along with / or abandoned in response to the divorce. Acknowledge their feelings as normal along with remind them which even though the family can be undergoing a major change, you along with their Dad / Mom will always be their parents.
21. Even if the various other parent disappoints your child or fails to honor a time commitment, you will tell the child which in spite of This kind of error the various other parent loves the child very much.
22. If your kids want to talk, shut-up along with listen.
23. Keep your children informed about the day-to-day details of their lives along with your separation / divorce in a way which they can understand.
24. Maintain as many security anchors (continuation of relations, rituals, along with the environment) as possible.
25. Do not overindulge your children out of guilt or in an attempt to "buy" them. Children want to stay up late yet they need rest. Children want candy yet they need vegetables. Children express financial wants yet they have emotional needs. Give your children a little amount of what they want along using a lot of what they need.
26. Remember no one can be all bad or all Great. Be honest (with yourself) about your ex's along with your own strengths along with weaknesses.
27. Be consistent in how you discriminate your children. Set boundaries, giving them freedom within a limited area, along with enforced rules outside of the "corral."
28. Avoid giving mixed messages or false hopes of reunification.
29. Remember which schedules will have to change by time to time to accommodate circumstances along with your child's development. If you need to change the schedule notify your co-parent ASAP. When your co-parent needs to change the schedule show a relaxed flexibility along with go with the flow.
30. Share Great memories, yet do not live inside the past.
31. Considering occasion separating your children in order to give each parent some individual time with each child.
32. Introduce your child to neighborhood children which she can play with at her second home.
33. Considering holding monthly family meetings, using a rotating chair, to discuss chores, problems, schedules, plans along with challenges.
34. Coordinate with your co-parent in order which school events, functions along with activities are covered. Who will buy the school pictures? Who will handle field trips? Who will work the fund-raiser? Who will work on the science project? Who will buy the school supplies? Who will handle the teacher's gift?
35. Do not forget old family traditions along with rituals – practice them along with create fresh ones.
36. Be willing to separate your needs by the needs of your children along with make their needs the priority.
37. Keep parenting issues separate by money issues.
38. If possible, tell your children about the pending separation together before one parent leaves. Plan a transition time if you can.
39. Remember to tell your children:
(a) Your father / mother along with I made the choice to divorce because we thought the item would certainly be best for everyone.
(b) Both your father / mother along with I love you along with will always love you. The love which a parent has for a child never ends.
(c) Your mother / father along with I are working together to make sure we take care of you.
(d) Your mother / father along with I each have a special relationship with you. You can love us both along with never feel which the item means choosing between us, just like each of us loves you along with your brother / sister.
40. Ensure which boy / girlfriends along with potential step-parents go slow, stay out of the divorce, do not interfere in a child's relationship with either of his natural parents, along with do not encourage the child to call them Mom or Dad.
41. Children, of any age, may be hesitant to spend time using a parent for a variety of reasons. Both parents should encourage the child to go with the various other parent.
42. If you are not united the item will confuse your child along with confirm to him which he can manipulate you.
43. Make sure which your child's friends' parents know your co-parent along with know which they can trust him / her with their child.
44. If you are a long-distance parent:
(a) Remember which your child can be a digital native. On the various other hand, depending on your age, you may be a digital immigrant. Use your child's advanced knowledge of technology to keep you connected.
(b) Watch TV together. Let your child know which you will be watching her favorite show along with will be ready to talk about the item.
(c) Give your child pre-addressed, stamped manila envelopes in order which he can send you schoolwork along with various other paperwork.
(d) Make audio along with video recordings for each various other. Nothing to say? Record yourself reading a book along with mail the book along with the recording to your child.
(e) Remember little events. Send cards, pictures along with letters for Halloween, Valentine's Day, The 4th of July, etc.
(f) Set up web cams on your computer along with your kids' computers. Use video mail along with YouTube to connect.
(g) Use My-space, Facebook, along with Twitter to stay in touch, if you can do so privately along with safely.
(h) Make sure which your kids have cell phones with your number programmed in. Use text messages along with photos to stay in touch through the day.
(i) Keep up with schoolwork. Send teachers pre-addressed, stamped manila envelopes in order which the item's easy to send you updates. If you hear nothing be sure to initiate communications with teachers by telephone along with email.
45. Befriend various other divorced families which have been successful inside the transition along with use them as mentors.
46. Divorce can be not an event, the item can be a process. Allow yourself, your ex-spouse along with your children at least two years for readjustment.
47. Divorce in itself will not destroy your children. the item can be your reaction to the divorce which has the power to destroy their coping mechanisms. On-going conflict along with emotionally unavailable parents who have regressed into boy / girl crazy adolescents are the real culprits.
48. Do not use your children to fill your need for companionship. If you do not have one, GET A LIFE !! This kind of can be cruel to your (along with your child's) recovery by divorce. Seek out support by friends, family, support groups, a divorce coach. Consider entering into therapy using a licensed mental health professional. Consider joining Parents-Without-Partners, Co-dependent's Anonymous or a Church group for divorced / widowed persons.
49. Dissolving a marriage does not mean the dissolution of the family or your parenting obligations. In fact, while a family can be undergoing the restructuring process the children need strong along with caring parents more then ever. If you along with / or your ex are too emotionally drained to be those parents find temporary substitutes who can give your kids what they need.
50. Every child needs at least one loving, stable parent. the item can be YOUR responsibility to be which parent. along with, if your child can be lucky enough to have an extra parent – a loving step-parent, rejoice – because no child can have too many people love him.