Home » Divorce Story » A Letter To My Divorce Judge…Eighteen Years Later

A Letter To My Divorce Judge…Eighteen Years Later

*NOTE: The judge who heard my case, in December 1999 has long since retired. She was a multiple divorcee who definitely, in honesty, never should have been eligible to sit on divorce proceedings. How could she? How could someone with so glaring as well as also also obvious relational issues with men, possibly be objective? Her reputation as a man-hater was legendary. as well as also also she typically lived up to the idea. For years today, I’ve wondered what I could say to her if I ever met up with her, especially today in which I am no longer under her jurisdiction as well as also also my daughter is usually an adult. I know a lot of men wonder the same thing. So I wrote This specific as well as also also I’m posting the idea here for different men to read, as well as also also maybe…to vicariously send to their judge. Men who read This specific…This specific woman was awful. I had an uphill battle every step of the way, yet I never let her run me off. You must be bigger than the judge as well as also also the system.  Bigger than the pain in your heart. In then end…you’ll win.

Your Honor,
     I’ve debated writing This specific letter. I have alternately felt in which the idea could be useless, as well as also also then in which the idea could do much Great for others. I have no delusions in which you’ll ever read the idea. yet in which doesn’t mean I shouldn’t write the idea. the idea could be therapeutic for me at the very least, as well as also also perhaps, for different men as well.
     Eighteen years ago, I walked out of your courtroom a divorced man. You certainly lived up to your reputation as a man-hater. Your despise for me –a man you’ve never met as well as also also who was the broken heart in This specific case- was evident. I neither cheated, nor abused. I worked hard. I was, as well as also also am, a great dad. the idea was my wife who decided to take a better offer, as well as also also the idea was my wife who walked out on me as well as also also our eighteen-month-old daughter. Yet, as you were always given to, during your thirty-all 5 years on the bench…you awarded her primary custody. I got to see my little girl once a week as well as also also every different weekend, as well as also also for in which privilege I got to pay $1000 a month.
     You graciously gave me two months within the summer where you reversed custody as well as also also gave me primary visitation. I’m sure your plan was in which I could grow weary of being a full-time dad in those two months as well as also also come back, begging for you to reverse the order.
yet I didn’t.
     I cherished those summers. I wept every night after I could take her back to her mom’s. I paced my empty home like a caged animal. I was lost. Aimless. People who saw me in those first years after my divorce said I looked like a dead man. On Monday’s, my friends could immediately tell if the idea had been a visitation weekend, because the idea took me most of the day to shake the gloom of my daughter not being there after a weekend of feeling normal.
     You doled out visitation as if she were your child, not mine. You commended my little girl to a horror she didn’t deserve as well as also also a brutal, violent life she never should have witnessed.
     My ex-wife remarried after about four years as well as also also the man she married was an animal. My daughter suffered so much emotional trauma under his hand in which she has PTSD symptoms today. Together, they dragged me into your court every few months to put me through the ringer of additional child support. I was a straight commissioned employee as well as also also if I had one Great year, you demanded in which I pay an exorbitant amount whether the next year was as productive or not.
     When I could speak in my defense, you literally called me a liar without any facts to contradict me. When I explained in which I was 100% commission, you said I was lying as well as also also you “simply could not believe I got no base salary,” even though I supported the idea with countless documentation. You refused to hear my petitions for additional visitation because of my concerns for my daughter’s safety.
     My daughter was forced to live having a man who drank, abused drugs, was physically violent as well as also also psychologically cruel. This specific man even went so far as to kill my daughter’s pet once. He damaged so many of her personal belongings in which she started out storing everything she owned in my shed. He could find birthday cards I sent her as well as also also deface them. He interfered with my visitation constantly as well as also also yet, when This specific was brought up in court, you gave her mother a verbal slap on the wrist as well as also also let the idea continue.
     She witnessed This specific man beating her mother numerous times. She lived with the fear in which she’d be next, as well as also also sometimes she was. When every fiber in my being screamed out to just handle him myself, my common sense told me not to, because then my daughter could have no defender. So, I could rescue her coming from in which hell, only to have to return her to the idea. Time as well as also also again you did nothing.
     the idea finally reached the idea’s zenith when she was 16, as well as also also we moved here to Virginia. She has been in counseling for a long time as well as also also will be for years to come. She still lives in fear. She still gets panicked whenever there is usually loud yelling, or she witnesses physical violence. Anything in which reminds her of her mother’s home, causes her to almost shut down.
Her mother’s home.
The home you decided was the better alternative.
The hell you condemned her to.
     I want you to know what the idea’s like to be a dad who loves his daughter as well as also also see the damage done because of your rulings. To watch her literally shake in fear because she saw two people fighting like her mom as well as also also second husband used to fight.
I want you to know how my heart is usually ripped in two when I ask her if she’s heard coming from her mom as well as also also she says “No” with resignation because the idea’s been over a month. I want you to know how my heart aches when I look at my precious daughter, my only child, as well as also also see so much potential as well as also also so much talent, as well as also also such a loving, tender, heart as well as also also know how damaged she is usually already, at nineteen.
     I wish I could transfer all my grief as well as also also sorrow as well as also also pain onto you. I wish in which, somehow, you could feel my hurt instead of me. I don’t deserve This specific…you do. You blithely rendered thousands of rulings like mine over your career as well as also also glibly destroyed thousands of dad’s lives as well as also also the lives of their children, because of your arrogance as well as also also your hatred for men. NO multiple-divorcee should ever sit on the bench in a divorce court. Not ever.
     You are long since retired. You’ve walked away coming from the battlefield you created as well as also also settled into the family business, as well as also also you’re living the life of ease as well as also also comfort while men like me are left to clean up the disaster zone you left behind.
     I desire someday your conscience awakens coming from the idea’s slumber as well as also also you begin to feel the effects of the career you had on the bench. I desire in which someday you start losing sleep as I did for so many years. I desire your soul is usually vexed as well as also also your spirit broken until you repent somehow for what you’ve wrought on Great men who merely wanted to be dads.
     A lesser man could hate you. I don’t hate you…I don’t think enough of you to hate you. yet I don’t pity you either, although I should. I should pity a woman whose life was so consumed by her personal grudges against men in which she used her position of power to extract her personal vengeance coming from every man she came across. You can’t possibly be happy. You can’t possibly be satisfied. You can’t possibly look back as well as also also think of any Great in which you did.
     My Faith got me through the long, grueling years under your jurisdiction. the idea’s my faith in which commends me to civility in This specific letter. I refuse to give in to bitterness, because in which could only extend every ruling you made in my life while you could.
     My daughter wound up with me. She survived your jurisdiction, as I did. You didn’t break me or run me off to abandon my daughter out of shear frustration. I won. I endured as well as also also resisted the urge to leave as well as also also escape the pain your rulings caused me. I stayed. I was there when my daughter needed me as well as also also within the end…she chose the better parent. You lost. You didn’t break me. I remained as well as also also became living proof in which your sad, pathetic view of men is usually twisted as well as also also skewed.
     I met lots of dads within the years I lived in N____ who had been victims of your court. They all told the same story. Many of them were consumed with hatred toward you. They wished you evil as well as also also harm as well as also also talked openly of what they might do if they only could. I know they were only talking…only speaking coming from pain. I never became in which man. I never vented my spleen with bile about your jurisdiction. I refused. I knew in which I could only make my own pain worse, meanwhile you could carry on with life as merrily as before, unaware as well as also also unconcerned about the harm you’d been doing.
     So, I waited until This specific morning. I’ve thought about what I could say to you if I had a conversation as well as also also you had no power or authority to extract revenge after I spoke. I thought about what I wanted to say as well as also also what I needed to say as well as also also what I should say.
Then I realized in which the idea wouldn’t make any difference. Your heart is usually too hard as well as also also your soul entirely without compassion to even flinch if I were to have said all This specific to your face.
the idea never bothered you then, what you were doing to families, so why could the idea bother you today?
     So, I wrote This specific article for me…not for you. For me, as well as also also for all the men like me who’s dream of fatherhood was broken as well as also also reshaped into something twisted as well as also also clownish. Men whose hearts never quite recovered during those long years of unequal visitation as well as also also prejudicial treatment. Those dads who had less, because so much of their money was going toward child support while so little of time was granted for their fatherhood. Men like me…condemned to weep every different Sunday night after the long ride home coming from our ex-wife’s house, looking over at an empty car-seat. Men like me who pulled up within the driveway of our own houses as well as also also sat in our cars for long stretches, not wanting to go inside as well as also also hear the deafening silence of a house without the sound of our child’s voice. A sound in which had been filled those halls only hours before. This specific is usually for them. This specific is usually for me.
This specific is usually as vivid a description as I could give, to the life you condemned me to when you made in which ruling in December, 1999.
     I survived you. My daughter survived you. In my mind…I won. You spent your entire professional career dissolving families. You profited –you as well as also also the despicable attorneys who picked at the carcasses of families for every possible penny- coming from marriages ending.
I don’t know how much my legal fees contributed to your lifestyle, yet I desire you enjoy the idea. I desire you got my money’s worth.
     My daughter is usually 19, she lives with me, she’s getting better, as well as also also I survived you. Iwon.
     This specific case is usually finally closed.

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